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What's the Best Bidet?

Heeeeeeeeyyy sooooo ... not being able to find any tissue earlier this year really bummed me out. Shit suddenly hit the fan with the pandemic and people absolutely lost it. And by it, I mean their shit—so much so that they bought up toilet paper by the buttload.


Here’s the thing: I not only work from home, but I’ve also spent a lot of my non-work hours sitting at home to dodge the ongoing biothreat and all its associated annoyances. I’m still trying to figure out why no one else could figure out that they could treat their fecal-coated anuses with a steamy stream of water from the shower immediately after loosing their bowels, but hey, I’m no gastroenterologist or anything!

Butt here’s the other thing: not everyone can take a quick shower on demand, and so, bidets are a thing, and they are lovely. It’s not the wisest purchase for those traumatized by the dreaded ass splash of doom (you know what I’m talking about), but if you can get past the uncomfortable feeling, you’ll wonder how you ever made it through life without one.

Here’s how it works:

  1. Arrive
  2. Poop
  3. Spritz
  4. Wipe
  5. Flush
  6. Sanitize
  7. Leave
  8. Win at life

Bidets come in a variety of forms, both manual and electric, and you can buy them either standalone or as an attachment for your existing toilet seat. Each boasts unique quirks that make all the difference in getting you squeaky clean and devoid of brown sheens.

Clearly I’m having too much fun writing this, so let’s just drop a load of bidet recommendations down in the comments section. Here’s how to doo the doo:

1) Your nomination should contain the name of a specific bidet—additive or standalone—why you think it’s the best, a link where it can be purchased, and an image.

2) You can nominate multiple products, but please put each one in a separate comment.

3) Vote by starring someone else’s nomination.

Associate Editor. I'm trying to be the very best like no one ever was. To play every game in the world is my real test. Finding the time to is my cause.